Infinite Will 1. Space Spam.
Infinite Will
Episode 1 of 5
Space Spam



I have recently achieved infinite will power, and this is my story.

I have recently achieved infinite will power, and I am infinitely indistractible. This means that the only thing that can possibly get me to stop any given task is its completion. Although, if you want to offer me sex, drugs, or money, we can see what happens. Ha ha. Just kidding. I have recently achieved infinite will power, and I am infinitely indistractible.

I have recently achieved infinite will power, and this is great for a productivity nut like me. Also great: the ShoeComputers upon which I currently type. With my toes.

In order to use ShoeComputers there are two main skills that you have to acquire. The first is chord-typing with your toes. Just as it takes, say, three fingers to make a note on a saxophone, it takes, say, three toes to type a character on a ShoeComputer.

The second skill that you have to acquire to use a ShoeComputer is learning to “see” through the soles of your feet and thus make sense of the information on the push-pin-array sole-monitors pressed against your arches. Part of the training for the shoe computers involves wearing a camera on your forehead while blind-folded. The camera drives the sole-stimulator arrays delivering unto your feet about as much information as a medium-rez black-and-white vid screen would deliver unto your eyes. You collect a bunch of bruises getting used to your blind-sight, but once you are all trained up you are good to go for watching vidz, surfing the web (and SpaceWeb), and even doing image manipulation through your feet.

I know I said that there are two main skills, but I guess there is a third. Big toe right for cursor manipulation and big toe left for click/select.

Ever since I ordered my SpaceSuit (It's not a clown suit. Shut up.)  off of the Space Internet, I get tons of spam. Space Spam. Mostly advertisements, natch. My feet get pretty fucking sore going through all of this Space Spam.

Poly Priaprastic UltraViagra
MindFoam
Third-Eye Contact Lenses (already got one)
Smooth Enemas (already got lots)
ShoeComputers (already got one)
ShoeComputer Printer Cartridges (huh?)
Infinite Will Pills (hmmm. . .)
ElderGod Money Scams (those fuckers)
Time-Release Time-Capsules (Time Travel Pills!).

Other spam I get includes the newsletters and other electronic dispatches from various whack-job organizations: religions, philosophies, movements, cults. Fucking MindViruses one and all. My faves are the ones from the Deicidal Reflexological Fundamentalists or, as I like to call them, The DeRFs.

For example:

Basic Precept of Deicidal Reflexological Fundamentalism
# 1 of 10:
Deicidal Reflexological Fundamentalism is a natural healing art, based on the principle that there are reflexes in the feet which correspond to every part of the body and that God once existed but He exists no longer because by promoting the natural health of the human foot and, thus, the rest of the human organism, we killed Him.

Ha ha. Check this one too:

Basic Precept of Deicidal Reflexological Fundamentalism
# 2 of 10:
In the beginning God created all feet and all non-feet, especially the feet and non-feet of the original Deicidal Reflexological Fundamentalists who went on to promote the health of all feet and through the feet, the health of various non-feet. Also, they killed God. And though God has been resurrected on several occasions (at least 3 or 4 times that we know of) we keep on killing Him.

In case you are thinking that all this DeRF stuff is off topic and I am demonstrating my distractibility thus contradicting my previous claim to infinite will power, well, I’m not.

I have recently achieved infinite will power, and this is my story.

Study questions:

1. Feet are the unifying concept linking shoe computers with reflexology. What contrasts and commonalities are intended to be highlighted? In your answer, avoid the whole religion = past and technology = future thing because that is so played.


2. In the previous question you were specifically instructed to avoid something. But maybe that was a trick. Hmmm? Ha ha. Just kidding.


3. Wouldn’t it be totally cool if there were a character named Infinite Will? You know, like William? (And, oh yeah, and check this: His dick would be fucking huge!)


4. The author/narrator has taken to peppering his tale with various precepts of the Deicidal Reflexological Fundamentalists. What up with that, yo?

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Next episode: Time Travel Pills